Thursday, March 28, 2013

“Will Work For a Job”

What is one to do for work nowadays…the supreme commanders…or um I’m mean the higher-ups tell us everything is looking better…that there is a light at the end of this utterly dark tunnel (aka anal cavity)…that jobs are falling from the sky in abundance like raindrops…but as we (the unemployed) know that isn’t the case.

I have looked for work within my field of expertise…and in the areas I have the most experience in…but was faced with more slamming doors than a Jehovah's Witness. All this rejection started making me feel like Snoopy…except for me it wasn’t “dogs” that weren’t allowed…it was work.

I have even applied for jobs that I could have easily done blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back and while standing on my head…but just like with an African American trying to gain entrance into the KKK…I was shot down and looked at like I had two heads.

I have applied for so many freaking jobs over the past few months that if I was paid for my time I would be sitting right next to the Donald up in Trump Towers firing people for ratings…thinking about it, maybe I should do it for a living…anyone want me to apply for a job for them.

I jump with excitement to my phone when it rings…like a child on Christmas Eve with hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there…but unfortunately my excitement quickly turns to dismay…when I realize it is not a job offer but  just another bill collector looking for money.

I have come to the conclusion that “work” doesn’t want me…like as if it was an ex-lover I cheated on and/or wronged in some way…I wouldn’t really be all that surprised if at some point in the upcoming days I’m served a restraining order from it.

I’m not giving up though…”work” is like the Russian in Rocky IV…and I’m Rocky…okay maybe I’m more like Rocky from “Rocky and Bullwinkle”…but nevertheless I still have the eye of the tiger baby.

Life isn’t like a box of chocolates…it’s like a buttplug…short, hard and stinks like ass…but don’t give up people it will get better and just remember you are not alone.


P.S. Republicans…please note that I am not on any kind of government assistance program…I’m just unemployed and actively looking for work…so please step down off your soapbox and put away your guns.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

“Inside My Head”

On the outside I look like any other normal cracker, someone who should belong to a country club, be playing polo and sporting a name like Biff, but on the inside is where the monster creeps.
Now don’t be alarmed, when I say monster I don’t mean an evil monster like Dracula, the Wolfman or Casey Anthony, but something more along the lines of Taz from Looney Tunes, wouldn’t hurt a fly and no one understands what the poop he is saying.
My mind is crazy, it needs to be put in a straightjacket and locked away in an insane asylum, never to see the light of day again. There is no method to its madness, it likes to laugh when others frown, it finds humor in things that others see as taboo it thinks up wild and crazy things out of the blue and for no reason whatsoever, it just doesn’t belong in our tight butt society.
I can’t control it either, it marches to the beat of its own drum, it’s like one of those obnoxious little Chihuahua dogs, speaking of which; I bet it would look fabo in the handbag of a hot blonde, not trying to be boastful I’m just being honest.
Let’s just say if my mind was a magazine it would be a cross between Mad and the National Enquirer with a little bit of Playboy thrown in too, just because you know, I am a man (Tim the Tool Man grunt) and it would come complete with crazy stories, off-the-wall humor and sticky pages.
Don’t get me wrong I do love the little booger but I also know what’s best for humanity, the world isn’t ready for him…it…Bob…I’m not really sure how to refer to it, I’ve talked it over with the voices in my head but we just couldn’t figure it out.
What shall I do, should I sniff some glue with the hopes it will screw up my brain and leave me all boring and humorless like so many other people walking around today, should I find the closest pool and leap in head first without looking beforehand, should I only watch PBS and CNN…what the poop is one to do.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

“I’m Fat…and I’m Not Proud”

I know I’m out of shape, well actually I’m in shape…in a round shape that is. 

I love to eat, which I’m sure anyone who sees me can tell by the t-shirt riding up on my belly exposing my muffin top. 

This it’s just a given with fat people and t-shirts, they’re going to ride up on you, kind of like a plumbers pants falling off his ass, it’s some kind of universal dress code.

I’m big, I need to lose weight,but I’m not “have to be moved by a forklift” big, not just yet anyways. 

I can still walk by myself, I don’t need one of those electric scooter thingies, but if I did mine would be pimped out…just saying. 

When your elbows and knees become dimples you know you have a problem, thankfully I’m not there yet but if I keep going the way I’m going I soon could be.

It’s not that I’m oblivious to this and/or pretend I’m “beautiful the way I am” like so many other fat people do, but sometimes I forget it. 

I tend to get a little complacent (or lazy) about how I look and what I need to do to rectify the situation. I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m in denial, I’m just stupid.

I don’t have a gene problem either, well that’s not entirely true because I do have a jean problem in a sense, I can’t fit into them that’s the problem. 

I do have an eating disorder though, it’s called fork to mouth, I can’t stop eating and that’s the disorder. 

If I could just put the stupid fork down I would be alright.

I recently had an experience that made me realize it was time to get back in shape, time to lose all the extra weight I have been carrying around with me, get rid of my spare (monster truck) tire.

Some friends were in town and wanted to ride the go karts. I tried to explain to them that when I got they would just be karts, they wouldn’t be going anywhere. 

Things went ahead as planned, at least for them, they were all racing around the track in go karts having a blast and I was sitting off to the side watching all the fun because I couldn’t comfortably fit into them.

Now I'm sure I could have wedged myself in the seat if I tried hard enough, made myself look like about ten pounds of garbage in a five pound bag. 

I also would have to be greased just to get out, but I decided against it to save myself some embarrassment…and to save the wheels on the kart from popping off like the buttons on my pants.

I’m not feeling sorry for myself and I’m not trying to blame someone or something else for my weight issues. 

No one put a gun to my head and told me to eat all the junk I’ve been eating, and to be honest if there was a gun involved, and if it happened to be dipped in chocolate and deep fried I would have probably eaten that too. 

I tell you who I do feel sorry for though, and that is my pallbearers because they are going to have their hands full (literally) with me if I don’t lose this weight.

I must let you go now so I can get off the computer and go do some exercise before it’s too late, for me and for anyone around me if I happen to fall down.


Monday, March 18, 2013

"Women, the Weaker Sex, I Think Not."

Women…not only are they fun to look at and to play naked wrestling with…but they are indeed the stronger sex.

Now for all the boobs out there (pardon the pun)…and I’m not talking about a woman’s chest here, but the stupid mindless buffoons who can’t put together a complete thought without the help of a Magic 8 Ball…I’m not just referring to physical strength but the overall complete package.

Take for example child birth…men couldn’t do that…I mean we cry like babies at the first sign of a cold.  Think about it…we all know God is no fool…that’s why he had Eve make Adam eat the apple…it wasn’t to “curse” women because he knew they could handle child birth…he just didn’t want men to endure it because he knew all we would do is whine about it.

Women also run the world…I mean who else but a woman could jump on the pole (the one at the strip club not the one in the pants…get your mind out of the gutter) and have men throw money at them like confetti in Times Square on New Year’s Eve. Let me try to make it rain while dancing on the pole…I would go to throw my legs up around it and end up sliding down and falling flat on my back right on the stage.

Fame…Look at Monica Lewinsky all she had to do was give the president a Ben and Jerry’s to become famous, now a man on the other hand has to try to shoot the president before anyone would remember his name. I can guarantee that more people know who Monica Lewinsky is then know who John Hinckley, Jr. is.

Advertising…when companies need to sell their product…who do they call on…a bunch of half-naked hot chicks that’s who…and us like a bunch of mindless sheep run out and buy what they’re selling. Stupid Axe body sprays…that crap doesn’t bring the women running…at least that’s what a friend told me anyway.

The bottom-line is this, woman are by far the stronger (for the most part anyway) are a bunch of punks...most of us could never go through what woman have to endure without crying like a newborn baby…it takes more than muscles to be strong...just saying.


Friday, March 8, 2013

“Toilet Troubles”

What is one to do…when after dropping the kids off at a public pool (using a public toilet) they either leave debris (aka skid marks) in the bowl or clog the toilet…and there is no toilet brush and/or plunger available to them?
Do you just run out of the restroom and hope no one sees you, maybe even go as far as to wrap your head in one of those toilet seat covers like some kind of make shift mask with the hopes of concealing your identity…of course using one that isn’t already used…unless that is your thing, then have at it.    
I recently found myself in a situation such as this…
After using a public toilet I noticed I left some chocolate on the bottom of the bowl and since there was no toilet brush in sight I had to come up with a plan to get rid of my mess. I was also in one of those single person public restrooms with people outside the door waiting to get in, so I knew I couldn’t just leave it without the risk of being called out and even humiliated.
I figured that maybe by flushing more toilet paper down the crapper it would eventually knock the debris loose so it would flush down, getting rid of all the evidence of my crime…all that is except for the nasty stink that lingered behind.
I must have spent about an hour or so tossing in toilet paper and flushing the commode with the hopes that it would clean up the mess I left so I could walk out proudly with my head held high. The whole time people were knocking on the door and wondering what was taking me so long…I would tell them I was having explosive diarrhea and scream out in pain to scare them off.
I was having no luck scaring off the crowd outside the bathroom or getting rid of the brown smears on the bottom of the bowl, so just like what any other logical thinking person would do when in a situation like my own; I started throwing more toilet paper in the bowl…I figured the more toilet paper the better my chances were.
I started balling it up and flinging it in the toilet like a major league pitcher putting one over the plate and with just as much speed and accuracy…then it happened. I flushed the toilet and instead of the water going down it started rising, it rose so high that it started coming over the bowl...and needless to say I started freaking out.
Not wanting to get my feet wet…and all poopied…I jumped on to the counter and sat there like a gargoyle atop a castle while trying to figure out my next move.
Now with the water flowing out of the bowl and onto the floor…like a brown waterfall…it started saturating the floor and moving closer to the bathroom door.
I knew that there was now no way out, I was going to be found out if I stayed in there any longer, so I wrapped a toilet seat cover around my head…threw open the bathroom door…and ran out of the establishment like as if the police were after me…never to return.