Thursday, October 10, 2013

“My Own Sayings/Expressions/Words”

I am out of my mind, which goes without saying, at least it does for me and the voices in my head.

I say a lot of odd and crazy things, but when you think about it, they are really not all that odd but rather a newer prospective on older sayings/expressions.

Think about it people, there are a lot of outdated sayings/ expressions that we use on a regular basis that do not make sense and/or are a little outdated.

For example the saying, “Best thing since sliced bread”, sure sliced bread is great, especially when you want to make a sandwich and/or you only have a really dull cutting knife and an uncut loaf of bread, but by no means do I think it’s the “best” thing…at least not when it comes to doughy confections it isn't.

The saying should be changed to, “The best thing since sliced cake”, am I right. What is better than a moist delicious frosted cake that is pre-cut and ready to be devoured, I mean this is a fat person’s wet dream, trust me I know this first hand.

Next up would be an expression that I just made up, and it is “What the poop on a burrito”.

I use this one when something bad unexpectedly happens and offsets something good and/or something we were looking forward to, like going to a theme park and it starts raining once you hit the front gate.

Think about it, you’re dreaming of a big beautiful burrito being delivered to your table, sour cream, guacamole and all the fixings, but then with your mouth watering  in anticipation it finally comes and there is a pile of poop on it, wouldn't that be a total buzz kill. 
Now I’m sure some people would be happy eating crap, some of the crazy bitches with those weird fetishes, but for me that would be a no-no.

I know what you’re thinking what’s the difference, because that burrito is going to take the first exit off of the body interstate and come out as poop anyway, so what’s the big deal, but trust me it is a big deal.

Sure it may burn the hole while coming out, but going in it would be pure heaven, and like our government has taught us many times before, why worry about something now when you can just wait until later to worry about it.

Another expression I use a lot, and if you don’t believe me just ask my girlfriend, is “You got told”.

This is another way of saying in your face, but without having to go through all the lifting of hands and junk, perfect for lazy people and/or amputees.

You have to say this one with a little gusto though, like back when we were kids and another kid got put in their place on the playground and we would say, “Ooooh burn” just to rub a little salt into the wound…remember.

This one is not all that effective if you don’t say it with some effort; it just wouldn’t be the same thing if you whispered it into someone’s ear, know what I’m saying.

Now for the word, granted I didn’t make this one up, but I do use it in a completely new context, and the word is “Constipate”.

When someone is talking a lot of crap, you know when an abundance of shit is coming out of their face hole, tell them bitches to constipate, which basically means to STFU.

Constipation may not be a good thing when it’s affecting the other end, but when nothing more than malarkey is coming out of their head, then constipation is totally a good thing and will give you some peace and quiet.

Well there’s just a few of my random insanities, feel free to share them, use them and adjust them accordingly depending on your current situation.



  1. HA! The random one I use relatively often is "Crap on a stick in a box!", as an alternative exclamation for one of those 'Oh SHIT!' moments.

    1. I love it...but isn't that a lot more work than just saying "Oh shit"?

    2. Yes, but you can put so much more flambuoyance into mine. "Oh shit!" is quite utilitarian - the other is a Statement.

    3. Hmmm I see what you're saying...good point.

  2. I don't' have any original thoughts. I get all of mine from mommy bloggers

    No offense to the awesome mommy bloggers out there, but you have hacks among you that should be set adrift in row boats with a box of saltines and a bottle of pepto until they come to their senses or feed the sharks.

    1. Very well said...the mommy blogger here in cyberspace are like zombies in a horror movie, every corner you turn around there's another one.

      Some are great, very clever and funny, but then there are the ones that are just making life miserable for the rest of us.

  3. omg, constipate is my new favorite saying. well, at least in the context that you're using it.

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  5. I'm pretty sure you don't wanna know what I say...but I love the reminder that you just said "oooh burn." I said that. I lived that. Awesome.

    1. What...who you...I'm sure whatever you say is just full of pleasantries and PC words...I couldn't imagine anything different.

  6. "I don't know you from Skippy!" What does this mean? Where did I get it from? Why do I say it? It's a mystery. Who the hell is Skippy?

  7. You always crack me up, Michael. The best thing since slice cake---I'm all in with that. Poop on a burrito? I can totally relate. Of course, I always love it when you talk poop.