Thursday, January 31, 2013

"The Tough Life of a Blogger"

This morning I was trying to brainstorm to come up with something clever to blog about...but it wasn't even drizzling...actually there were no clouds was bright and sunny in my brain and I had nothing to say.
I figured chatting with some of my friends online, who are also in the business, would help me come up with something good to blog about. So with my Pepsi Max in hand...which is the breakfast of champions, just in case you didn't already know...and sporting my Incredible Hulk underoos that I had since I was a kid, sure they're a little snug and look like they were dipped in chocolate and soaked in lemonade, but gosh darn it they're comfortable...I headed over to the computer to start chatting.
Unfortunately I wasn't able to resolve my problem, my writers block stayed intact, but I did have a fantastic time chatting with one of my blogging buddies....who by the way can be found right here Terrye Toombs. After all was said and done and I finally got up the energy to get up from my computer chair, I went outside to face the day.
I wasn't out for too long because that big stupid yellow glowing ball in the sky was blinding me and the "fresh" air was chocking me, so I went back inside where it's safe...and away from those crazy bastards knows as homosapien...frightening creatures if I do say so myself.
The short time I was out, picking up my $5 hot and ready pizza from Little Caesars...and yes, before you ask I did spring for some of that ever so tasty crazy bread...I must have contacted some germs because I started feeling like poop. Now I sit here at my desk, bundled up from top to bottom and now sporting a onesie...sneezing and sniffling...I type this piece to you, my loyal readers...who would be lost without me.
I hate being sick...but I do love the chicken soup and I guess you have to take the good with the bad.

Monday, January 28, 2013

"Should Marijuana, Chronic, Weed, Pot, Mary Jane, Kush, Cannabis, etc be legal?"

I was just wondering if it is all it's cracked up to be? 

I've never tried it, yes I know I'm a wussy, but I've had severe asthma my whole life and can't even smell a cigarette without having an attack. 

With that said, I would like to know if I'm missing out on something special, or is it overrated?

I know you don't have to smoke it to get baked (pun intended) from it, you could also cook with it, because it's edible, but what would one cook with it besides the ever so popular brownies, because I'm on a diet? 

I'm a lightweight, I'm sure half a brownie would put me on the moon, like an unpaid power bill it would be lights out. 

It can also be used for medicinal purposes like glaucoma, you get to puff, puff, pass out and feel no pain whatsoever.

I wonder if I could get it for hangnail, or maybe even an ingrown hair, do they do that kind of thing?

One of my pothead friends told me that smoking it could even make certain things more enjoyable, like food, movies and even sex, he said something about "stoned sex" and at first I thought he meant you hit your partner over the head with a stone as if you were a caveman then have your way with them...but I was wrong. 

After he explained to me what it was I got kind of concerned, knowing that one of the side effects from smoking it was getting the munchies, I figured it was just a matter of time before someone was so baked that they ended up going all cannibal on their partner in the middle of doing the nasty.

Honestly from what I do know about it, and about the people who smoke it, it's no way near as bad as alcohol is.

Aside all the food being eaten I've never seen anything compared to the drama I've seen when alcohol is involved. 

Relax, I'm not for the prohibition of alcohol, I just don't understand why one is legal and the other is not. 

Speaking of which, I'm a total lightweight when it comes to alcohol too, the hardest thing I drink is mouth wash.

I'm not really pro one or the other, I'm just trying to find out what the big deal is, I know I'm short bus and all but I just don't get why in this country the powers that be don't want people smoking it.

Now there are people live and die by the stuff, take my aunt for example, she smokes it like a fiend, she smokes it more than Monica Lewinsky does Bill's cigar.

But you're always going to have a few screwballs making things look bad for everyone else, but this is true with anything, not just weed.

By the way, for all you weed connoisseurs out there, is dillweed pickled pot?

I know that was lame, but what do you expect from such a party pooper like myself.


Saturday, January 26, 2013

"Online Dating Sites Getting Out of Control"

I actually just saw a commercial for an online dating site for farmers( ...yuppers you heard me right, farmers...really?! Now I'm not against people finding love online, to each their own, but this is really getting out of hand. Not trying to sound mean or anything, but do farmers even know how to use a computer? I'm sure at least one person on the site has the username John Dear...there just has to be.
What's next, an Amish online dating site...honestly I wouldn't really be surprised if there already was one...seriously. Hold on a minute let me check with my good friend Google...yes there's one, it's (! I really thought these guys had something against electricity and technology...don't they?
What about these Christian dating sites...they always claim God brought them together...but just wait until the honeymoon stage is over and the devil brings out the worst in them...then whose fault is it.
For gosh darn sakes there's even a dating site for people who want to cheat on their spouse...have you ever heard of Ashley Madison ( that is ridiculous!
That's just as crazy...why are people so afraid to date (or even hang out) with people who are different than just blows my mind.People like to preach unity when the public eye is on them, but as soon as they're all by their lonesome it's segregation all the way...people are such hypocrites. Haven't you people learned anything from the great philosopher Paula Abdul...Opposites Attract.
Not only do you have to hope that the person on the other end is who they say they are...and looks like their profile picture...but now you also have to make sure you're on the dating site that matches you up with someone who thinks, acts and lives like you do. It would be a really bad thing for a Scientologist who's looking for a potential mate to accidentally setup a profile on the "people who suffer from post-natal depression who take Paxil" dating site.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

"Hair, It Grows Everywhere, Except For Up There"

As a man ages he loses all of the hair on the top of his head, or if he was bad in a previous life some of his hair...which is even worse because it's a constant reminder of what once was and is now no more.
Well actually we don't really lose it, it just moves from the scalp and makes its way to other areas on the head, like the nose, ears and of course the eyebrows...with the hopes of giving us the infamous and ever so fashionable unibrow.
Sometimes it even creeps further down the body, turning us into a human Chia Pet. Some may even think of this as reverse evolution, taking us from the homosapien and bringing us back to ape...which is not really all that far fetched if you consider how a man acts as he gets older.
This hair also never grows soft and straight either, it grows out like a rusted spring which refuses to cooperate and always seems to act up when we're out in public...just like a kid who misbehaves in public because they know you won't beat their bottom with others around (aka witnesses).
I guess all things considered, if all we have to deal with is this annoying hair issue as we get older, then we have nothing to really complain about...because I'm sure woman would trade with us in a heartbeat.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

"A Perfect Complement to Any Meal...a Diet Soda"

No matter what you eat...from the greasiest burger to the sweetest of desserts...all the guilt seems to disappear when you follow your meal with a diet soda. Honestly, there's nothing like observing someone ordering a quarter pound burger with cheese, a large fry and an apple pie and then follow it up with a diet somehow in their minds the diet in the soda negates all the fats and garbage they're putting into their bodies.
Don't get me wrong, I have done this myself many times before and never thought twice about it. I had the mindset that I didn't do too bad if my drink was a diet soda versus a regular soda...all things considered though, I probably did myself more harm than good by drinking diet soda at all...but like they say, ignorance is bliss. I would have probably been better off if I just had a salad and a regular soda...but what's the fun in that.
We let our taste buds get the best of us in this country, we treat our cars better than we treat ourselves, are we idiots or just misled...are we mindless sheep being let to slaughter, or do we just not care.
If I thought it would help, I would say that we needed some kind of warning label on the doors of restaurants that served unhealthy foods and on unhealthy food products, but as we can plainly see by all the smokers in this country...people just don't care. There's too much of that "live for the moment and worry about the consequences later" attitude going around...and unfortunately sometimes requires life to pimp slap our ass to wake us up.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

"Wrap Music"

No...that's not a typo, that's how I refer to rap music which is performed by European Americans…aka whitey.

There are vast differences between the two, that is why I believe we need a separate genre for this kind of music, that and I also feel bad for the African American rappers because whitey doesn't give rap music the props it deserves, they treat it like a joke.

African Americans rap about woman and their various body parts, their time in the hood and/or on the streets and even their time in the joint, whereas their European Americans counterparts rap about stupid stuff like killing people for fun, driving a 5.0 with the ragtop down so their hair can blow and about their time in the trailer park.

We all know that us European Americans do stupid things, think about it, whenever you hear about a wild animal going nuts and killing someone because they wanted to keep it as a pet, take a picture with it or have it do tricks who is always at the at the helm of these disasters, I'll tell you who, those crazy ass crackers that's who.

Why don't we European Americans just leave rapping to the professionals, you don't see African Americans coming into the country music scene talking about pimping out their John Deeres, pouring some moonshine out for their fallen homies or letting their overalls sag, now do you…well except for that Cowboy Troy fella!

Here's the deal, you guys take Cowboy Troy back and we'll take back Eminem, sound good? Okay, just to be fair we’ll also take back Vanilla Ice, now granted we are doing so begrudgingly, but it is not fair of us to try and pass that goofball off to any other race.

We will get Eminem out of those oversized pants and into some crazy leather getup and have him screaming over an electric guitar in no time, pimp slapping him back into reality. As for Vanilla Ice, well we will just lock him in a closet and forget he ever existed…now don’t get me wrong, I did my fair share of jamming out to “Ice Ice Baby” but we all know as far as rap is concerned, that it is not.

Who knows what Kid Rock is up to, one moment he’s rapping, then the next he’s singing country, so we’ll just leave him be for the time being until he figures out who he is and what genre he belongs to. I also don't think either side is claiming those insane clown guys, so let's just put them off to the side for right now too.

We must get music back to what it was; get it back to its proper and pure form, before white people were allowed to venture out into different genres. Keep those crackers playing metal and performing synchronized dance moves in those so-called “boy bands”…boys, yeah right, just a bunch of men going through a pre-midlife crisis.  


Tuesday, January 15, 2013

"The Future's So Bright...Um, No It Isn't"

I feel severely let down, like a kid who didn't get what they wanted on Christmas morning.
Growing up I was led to believe that by this time now we would be living era where cars flew, people where getting bionic limbs (and I don't mean to replace missing appendages either, but the kind that would allow you to lift a car over your head) and aliens (no, not illegal immigrants, but actually aliens) and robots would be walking amongst us...and as you can clearly see, that isn't the case.
What happened...are we not as smart as we thought we were...did we let our imaginations get carried away with us?
I was really looking forward to buying my own Vicki aka V.I.C.I. (Small Wonder) and/or Rosie (The Jetsons)...but no, the closest thing we have to either of them is Furby...what a crock. Okay, we do have toilets that flush themselves, which is a good thing...especially if you've ever used a public restroom in a Walmart...but I want more.
We are now in year 2013 and really not all that much has changed, so come on people, get on the ball and make cars fly.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

"My First Time...So Please Be Gentle"

I am not afraid to admit it...I am a virgin blogger. Yuppers this is my first time at this and I'm proud of that...well not really, but I don't want to be made fun of so I'm just saying I'm proud of it...actually I'm really ashamed.

I have no idea what I'm doing, my blog cherry has yet to be popped if you will...and I'm scared. What do I I doing it right...will I be ripped a new one right out of the box...these are some of the questions/concerns I have. What does one say in a blog...the same things one would say in a Facebook status update...or does it have to be more involved...have a deeper meaning if you will?

Any advice and/or input would be greatly appreciated. Help this blind man see.