Thursday, March 13, 2014

“Blow Job”

Don’t get me wrong, I love women just as much as the next red-blooded American straight male with his junk intact, but sometimes they drive me nuts, and by nuts I mean freaking bang your head against the wall bonkers.

We men are not perfect, far from it, but you women should come with a disclaimer which reads something like, "Free Sex” in big bold letters, and then the fine print would read, with purchase of ring, car, etc. and must have a high tolerance for bitching…not hating, just saying.

There have been many times where I’ve considered swearing off women altogether, at least the living ones, and I’m not contemplating necrophilia here so get your mind out of the gutter you sick freaks, but maybe checking into purchasing one of those blowup women.

And when I say blowup, of course I don't mean with explosives, I'm talking about with air, you know giving them a blow job if you will.

You have issues with a rubber woman there is no "I'm sorry" times infinity, no bouquets of flowers and/or fine jewelry (depending on how bad you screwed up), just a can of fix-a-flat and a bike pump is all you need.

You don't have to spend any money on them to get them to put out, when you're ready to go you won't ever get shot down by the infamous "headache" line and best of all there is nothing off limits when it comes to banging the gong, if you catch my drift.

You want a threesome, a foursome or even a fivesome, no problem, just pick up a few more inflatable friends and you’re good to go.

You could even pick up a blowup man doll if you wanted to see what it would be like to be gay, just in case you were “curious”, and with all participants being airheads (no offense blondes) you would never have to worry about your bedroom shenanigans getting out to all your buddies and being made fun of.   
When all is said and done you can just shove her in the closet or any other out of the way place, leaving the whole bed to yourself with no one to steal the covers and/or complain what you watch on the boob tube to go to sleep to.

I would definitely recommend deflating and running her through the dishwasher at least once a week or so, otherwise you’re left with a big sticky mess on your hands, and who wants that.

Does this piece come off as sexiest, or possibly even a little crazy, I’m sure it does but what can I say, when it comes to women I love the sex but all the other stuff I can do without.

I’m sure that you women, if honest, would admit that if there was an artificial man doll thingy with none of our gross traits that you despise and all of the good stuff that you love, you would jump on him (no pun intended) in a heartbeat.

Sex toys bring all the joys and none of the hassles, so save your time, money and sanity and pick up a blowup doll, things would be a lot less stressful if everyone heeded the words.

MJM

27 comments:

  1. Bwahaha. It's all fun and games until some sticks a prick in her and BOOM! All gone! Sure us live women can be trouble but if you find the right one it can be a lot of fun, laughter, and plenty of big O's. Until you marry them. Then you're lucky to get laid once a week. Just sayin'...

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    1. See I knew it...it's a trap!

      Hey if you pop an inflatable chick all you have to do is run to the store and pick up a new one, if you breakup with a real chick you're stuck with heartbreak and trying to court a new one...so not fun.

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  2. HAAHAH that's hilarious. I once bought a boyfriend of mine a blow up sheep. She was called the Love Ewe. Also yeah. Um, yeah love this!!

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    1. A blowup sheep, well I guess to each their own, if he wants to put a sheep in the baaaaa-uck then who am I to criticize.

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  3. I just got an error last comment - did it post?

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  4. I am speechless. This post straddles the fine line of super creepy and brilliant. Only a man with vast experience partaking in sexual encounters with many a rubber sex doll could pen such a post. I applaud you for being so open about your sexual escapades with women of the plastic nature! Bravo!

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    1. You know me my friend, I like to keep it real...real creepy that is.

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  5. But then who would clean your house and cook your food?

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    1. Women don't do any of that...you can't fool me.

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  6. And I keep saying lately that I don't need a man. I've got a vibrator for "those" needs and a snuggle buddy with my dog. Bwahahaha!

    Brilliant, as usual!

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  7. Bloody hell Mike! That picture of the blow-up with a mouth like the Grand Canyon - you'd have to be hung like a baboon to achieve any traction with that!

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    1. Awww c'mon pimp, we know you're packing like an elephant...no need to be modest here.

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  8. I remember watching an episode of My Strange Addictions where I guy had the kind of blow-up girl obsession. I don't know dude. Better stick to real ladies. Besides, won't a blowup girl just feel like you're putting the salami to...well...plastic?

    Here's the movie I was thinking of: http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/1175569-lars_and_the_real_girl/

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    1. Hmmm you think real ladies is the way to go? Who paid you off!

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  10. Ok sorry I think i did that last comment with the wrong account. Ok maybe not. Whatever...

    Let's try again... I would think that would be like licking the side of one of those blow up swim rings. Am I right? Come on!

    Is anyone else picturing that one scene in Airplane right now? HA HA. Ok so the other way around but still...

    In reference to Starr's response-if blow-up dolls would clean my house and cook my food, I might be open to inviting one to live here. HA HA!

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    1. "Licking one of those blow up swim rings"...hilarious.

      Airplane rocked, we so need more movies like that...like yesterday.

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  11. Hafta say, I did rather look at the size of the gob on that plastic chick and think "MJ's trying to impress us..."

    And no. I wouldn't swap because plastic won't keep me warm. I'm a cold, cold person and need someone who's like a human radiator to snuggle into and let me warm up my freezing hands and feet on their toastiest parts.

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    1. LOL. You know me, I don't hide anything, I'm just really hopeful.

      "Keep you warm", forget that junk, by a space heater.

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  12. How bout forget the man doll all together and just get me a hot handyman to watch change the lightbulbs that have been out for 6 months?

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    1. What about a handywoman, to help me with the, ummmm, well you know.

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  13. I must admit, a blow up doll would be much easier and convenient than taking care of a husband!!!!!

    Haaahee.

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    1. Exactly! You could read, watch television or anything else your heart desired while he is busy getting it on with his inflatable friend, a true win win scenario if you ask me.

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  14. Blow up dolls are so behind the times! They make really nice sex dolls these days that look and feel very realistic. They're made of silicone or something. (I know this from watching My Strange Addiction.) ;)

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    1. I'm sure they do, but I can't afford one of those upgrade models, I'm not rich you know.

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