Thursday, March 27, 2014

“Eating Ass”


Ass, the other white meat (or dark depending on your preference)?

A friend of mine tried to sell me on eating ass, letting me know how erotic and sensual it could be. How it added some extra spice (and that spice is also known as fecal matter) to the whole love making experience, kicked it up a notch as if it was Emeril Lagasse. **Bam**

Now when I say eating ass, I don’t mean like Hannibal Lecter with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. I mean getting all up in there as if you were in a chocolate pie eating contest. Tonguing it like an anteater would an anthill. Get the picture?

I’m not trying to knock someone’s good time here, or be an asshole (don’t eat me), I just don’t get it myself. I can’t comprehend why someone would want to eat ass and/or have their ass eaten, but to each their own.

Eating ass the epitome of dirty dining! You won't go to a restaurant because you heard there's a roach, but you're perfectly fine with eating ass? These people won't let dogs lick their face because as they say, “they know where their tongue has been” but at the same time don't mind letting their tongue go spelunking down someone’s dark and dirty cave!

I do know that you won’t ever catch me eating it! I don’t care how fine it is and/or who it’s attached to, just knowing the shit (and I mean that literally) that comes out of it is enough to make me keep my distance. You do know that the book, “Everyone Poops” isn’t a work of fiction, right?
I also wouldn’t feel comfortable having someone eat mine. I would be too freaked out. I would be worried they would come up with a shit mustache and/or with corn in their teeth trying to give me a kiss. I would have imaginations of becoming a real life human centipede, which would haunt me every time I was a participant on Naked and Afraid.

Not only that, but what if your pipes were clogged, something so fierce that not even Liquid Plumber could fix? The job requires a snake (which in this case is the tongue), and with the first sign of penetration everything would come gushing out like a puss from a popped pimple. Taking “talking shit” to a whole new level, one that it doesn’t need to be on and absolutely something that should never be witnessed.

You’re staring down the barrel, eye to hole. Cheeks held wide open so there’s nothing to hinder the shot. Then it happens! You get blasted in the face as if you were Daffy Duck and you just took a shot from Elmer Fudd to the dome during duck season. I guess depending on your partner’s diet it could be good for your skin, but just imagine the smell, the clumps falling down your face like drips from a melting ice cream cone, and in my opinion a person losing all credibility when they are seen wearing a crap mask.


You’re now there with skid marks on your forehead looking like Swamp Thing and smelling like a public restroom, and if you’re like me your last meal is quickly making its way back up your esophagus, needlessly to say ruining the moment and completely killing the mood.

So with that said, we need to forget about banning drugs and guns, and ban ass eating, because honestly nothing good can come from it. You should never have to pick a dingleberry from your teeth, not for any reason. Never mind waterboarding, you want information from the terrorists; have them get down with some ATM (Ass to mouth).

To paraphrase the great Whitney Houston, “Butt crack is whack”!

MJM

58 comments:

  1. *vomits*

    *cries*

    WHY COULDN'T I NOT LOOK!

    #AsBadAsIThoughtItWouldBe

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    Replies
    1. Exactly. Somebody has to do it.

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    2. The f*cker just sucks ya in, don't he?! :D

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    3. Stop jiving, you know you love it.

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    4. The grossed out-ness? Because I can guarantee and PROMISE you RIGHTTHISSECONDNOW that what you wrote about will NEVER be part of my life in any way, shape or form. Ever.

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    5. Stop lying, we all know you're a closet ass eater.

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    6. I enjoy a nice ass eating from time to time.

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    7. Do you prefer jelly or syrup?

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  2. Replies
    1. True, but what comes out doesn't...it's a trap.

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  3. I can't even deal with you! I keep seeing a smile with corn...oh gawd!!!!

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    Replies
    1. No worries, there are plenty of times were I can't even deal with myself.

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  4. I bet you could run for president on that platform.

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    Replies
    1. Politicians eat a lot of ass, especially that of the rich and powerful, so I just don't know if that's right for me.

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    2. But people are sick of the ass eating politicians and want a change. Unless you're afraid people will find out about your little sexual issues.

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    3. I don't care about people finding out about the skeletons in my closet, and I would love to give people the change they so rightfully deserve, but considering Obama's election campaign could anyone really use the word "change" again when it comes to politics?

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  5. You had me at the reference to corn. We call it tracer. LMAO

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    Replies
    1. Corn, goes in and comes out the same way...really makes you think doesn't it.

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  6. Mike I have eaten many an ass an its all in the preparation!

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    Replies
    1. Regardless of how it's prepared, I'm not eating it.

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  7. Human Centipede. That is where I draw the line. Who knew I had a line??
    I'm almost proud of myself.

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  8. Hilarious. Just plain hilarious. I had to stop at "Shit Moustache" but I'll try to go back and read the rest.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so very my friend, glad to see someone is amused by my nonsense.

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  9. Jokes aside, I've read that throat cancer is on the rise due to the increase in oral sex so you make a valid point. If only WebMD had such entertaining articles . . .

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    Replies
    1. Really? Please don't tell my girlfriend, I've been telling her it actually cures cancer.

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  10. Whatever floats your boat, I guess, Albeit not an activity I'd indulge in; the prospect of flatulence would put me off.

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    Replies
    1. Amen to that brother man, I couldn't agree more.

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  11. O.M.G. I will never, EVER look at corn the same way again!!!!

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    Replies
    1. Why not, it comes out the same way it went in?

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  12. Ass - the other white meat!

    I've eaten many an ass in my time. What's the big deal? It tastes like chicken.

    KNowing you Michael, I bet you and your readers might have some interesting stories to include on my new blog post. I could use some support on this one.

    http://blog.theregularguynyc.com/win-free-tickets-to-sex-tips-for-straight-women-from-a-gay-man-in-nyc/





    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ewww grodie, you ate the puckered brown starfish! Did it latch onto your face like one of those facehuggers from the Alien movies?

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  13. Glad you provided the link! Gross as hell but just as funny! You never let us down, MJM. Love the Swamp Thing reference. Had never thought of him that way. Loved it!

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  14. No ones ass is that good- well maybe mine, but you get my shit (see what I did there?) Job well done MJM. And smelly.

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    Replies
    1. I love the attitude girl, and me and you are down like four flats, but I just say no to the ass...at least when it comes to eating it that is.

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  15. Got led here through Lizzy on twitter.

    Funny post - but are you serious?

    I thought this was going to be vile and gross, and it's just about something 2 consenting adults do if they choose to.

    Clearly I'm a freak. I'll leave now. I get myself into enough trouble on Wordpress.

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    Replies
    1. Mike's rarely serious, he just enjoys writing to gross people out.

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    2. @Samara sure there are some people who love eating ass, I'm just saying it's not for me, it may just be a mental thing but regardless, I just don't want any part of it.

      @Lizzi you taught me everything I know.

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    3. *deadpan* I don't know what you mean. I'm always serious...

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    4. Sure you don't know what I mean, you little bugger you.

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    5. @Michael- clearly you have not discovered that the male G-spot is the prostate?
      I don't want to go all TMI on you, but you haven't lived until you've pulled a girl's Lee press-on nail out of your butt hole.

      As for your BJ post, please see this: http://samaraspeaks.wordpress.com/2013/12/04/the-way-to-a-mans-heart-is-through-oral-sex/

      Lizzi has gotten me into enough trouble. Where are we? Is this even the United States?

      I'm getting into trouble world-wide, now?

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    6. @Samara you say, "the male G-spot is the prostate", are you pulling my leg or being straight up? Also, pulling a fake nail out of my ass, thanks but I'll pass.

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  16. I just couldn't resist reading this post. Too funny! You are so right about this. Must be a new trend, I heard about this just the other day. I'm still shaking my head,,,NO...
    Barbara @ www.allmylivesnow.com

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    Replies
    1. Amen my friend, I am right there with you, not for me at all, no way no how.

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  18. all these ladies may frown in this blog saying eww.. but if someone was licking them from the back ...
    It would be all good

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    Replies
    1. Do you ever worry about getting skid marks on your tongue, or corn in your teeth?

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