Thursday, July 24, 2014

"How [Not] to Write Like a Blogger"

Ladies and gentleman, guess who stopped by for a visit to the Insane Asylum...the mutha fracking rockstar badass herself Terrye Toombs!

When Terrye isn't annoying fellow bloggers or practicing her pole dancing routine, she can be found ranting her behind off at asshatrants.blogspot.com. She also has serious delusions of becoming a published science fiction author and is documenting that little misadventure at ttoombs08.wordpress.com. And if you really want to impress her, try following her on Twitter: https://twitter.com/TToombs08


"How [Not] to Write Like a Blogger"

Blogging is the redheaded stepchild to real writing. Or so a lot of people think.  And that begs the question, “Why do so many people consider bloggers to be less than real writers?” Could it be the endless supply of blogs featuring crappy writing that ignores the basic rules like spelling, grammar and punctuation? Or the overabundance of ‘mommy’ bloggers flooding the market with their constant talk of poopy mishaps and boring suburbia? What about just plain old greed – people thinking that throwing any old crap up on a blog to sell something is going to make them over night millionaires?

I’ve met a lot (ok, a lot might be a slight exaggeration) of talented bloggers that, if they weren’t blogging, could be confused for ‘real’ writers. Unfortunately, they get lost in the tidal wave of substandard and downright yucky blogs. But, what if you want to be a blogger and not fall into the category of ‘just another blogger?’ How can you stand out from the crowd and garner the attention you so well crave and deserve?

1. Write in your own voice. None of this mealy mouthed, pansy cow manure stuff where you mimic another blogger’s voice! Readers will see through that like a nightie on a porn star. What? You don’t have a unique voice? I bet your momma could pick you out in a crowd of screaming toddlers in the wave pool when you were a kid. Everyone has their own voice, you just need to rediscover it and hone that bad boy, yo!

Question for the Hostest with the Mostest: MJM, how did you finally realize you found your own voice in your writing? Was it when they started threatening to burn you at the stake or when beautiful women started tossing their undergarments at you while you walked down the street?

MJM: Actually I found many voices in my writing, of course they were all in my head, and constantly bickering with each other over what to say or not say, but for the most part they all get along pretty well.

Really though, I never had to find my voice; I just stayed true to who I was and didn’t worry about what the haters and/or lollipops (people with sticks up their ass) thought about my work.

I just wrote what was on my mind, with no regard for good taste or concern for being politically correct, which I’m sure you can plainly see from the inane ramblings you will find plastered all over my blogs.

2. Use all that crap you hated in English 101. I guess you shouldn’t have skipped class to go hide out in the arcade and smoke those stolen cigarettes, huh? Your parents told you that was going to bite you in the ass, and here we are. Consider your ass bitten. But what can you do about it? Short of going back and begging Mrs. Correct English to instruct you all over again, check out some easy to follow online English sites. A short little google search and you’ll have all the answers you’ll ever need.

Question for Big Daddy B(logger): What has been the hardest thing you had to learn as a blogger?

MJM: The hardest thing I had to learn as a blogger was that we, much like Rodney Dangerfield, got absolutely no respect.

No matter how well our grammar is, or how well the piece was written, it would most likely be overlooked and not giving the credit it deserves because we are nothing more than the crappy bottom feeders of the writing world (aka bloggers).

3. Be real. Seriously. If you try to copy someone else’s style, not only will the originator hate you for life, but nothing you ever post will be taken seriously by your readers. They’ll always wonder who you ripped it off from. Don’t be that blogger. There are too many of them already. And if your face is turning red right about now, you’re probably one of them. Cut it out. Give us an original reason to like or dislike you. As for telling tall tales, everyone has done it a time or two, but don’t try to sell it as gospel. You don’t need to lie to your readers to get them to like you.

Question for The Power Strokin’ Sex Machine: What is your biggest pet peeve about fake bloggers?

MJM: My biggest pet peeve about fake bloggers is that these bitches and bastards actually think their shit doesn’t stink, that they are something special and God’s gift to the world of writing.

This blows my mind considering that they don’t have an original bone in their body or an interesting thing to share, but I guess what they lack in skill they make for in attitude.

4. Ego. Some bloggers are so in your face that you just want to email yourself to their home of residency and have a few offline words with them. And then there are the ones that just don’t realize how incredibly great they are, no matter how much their fans sing their praises.

Question for the Warden of the Asylum: If you had one tiny bit of advice to give a blogger that was suffering from low blogger ego, what would it be?

MJM: My one tiny bit of advice to a blogger that was suffering from low blogger ego would be that if you’re staying true to yourself, and putting everything you got into your work, then you should be proud of the outcome and embrace your work with a smile and the satisfaction of knowing you did your best (it may sound cliché, but it’s true).

I would also caution them to not take themselves too seriously, and to always be open to listen to constructive criticism, because if your head gets too big you may find yourself toppling of that pedestal you so undeservingly put yourself on, and trust me the fall is going to hurt.

5. Why Do You Have To Be So Mean? Some bloggers resort to insulting other bloggers. I don’t know whether it’s because they are insecure in their own blogging abilities, or they just weren’t liked as a kid. Regardless of the reason, it’s not an excuse to insult other bloggers. It’s plain and simple bullying. And we know how most of the world feels about bullies.

Question for our Main Man Michael: If you could tell all the blogger bullies a little sumthin’ sumthin’, let ‘er rip!

MJM: The one thing I would tell those bitch ass blogger bullies would be to step off before you get punched in the throat.

Just because you parents didn’t hug you enough when you were a kid, and you’re writing sucks ass, doesn’t give you the right to trash talk someone else and belittle their work.

Regardless of why you’re doing it, it’s not cool and completely uncalled for…so stop taking out all your insecurities on us you big meanies.

I may not have all the answers, but I know from multiple failures, what doesn’t work. Being original and unique, no matter how vanilla or white bread you are, can really help you to stand out in a crowd. Even without dying your hair purple. So, embrace your voice, find that distinctive personality buried within you, and use your words. But above all else, don’t be afraid. No one has ever died in a horrible blogging accident.

28 comments:

  1. Thank you for allowing me to piss all over your beloved blog! :D

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    1. Girl you can piss on me anytime...wait, what, forget I said anything.

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  2. Mentioning the dyeing hair purple. I see what you did there!

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    1. Says the woman with the freshly dyed hair in the shade of purple. ;)

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    2. Exactly! Now if you'll excuse me I have work to do. Maybe.

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    1. For the message or my sexy pole dance? ;)

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  4. Fantastic piece that truly highlights what bloggers must really ask themselves while fully explaining how the wild ones keep themselves afloat. I am a dull, boring content writer and I like what I do most of the time. I wish I could actually say something awesome and fresh rather than read scientific reports and try to turn them into something that keeps a person conscious. Keep doing what you do, as there are many fans still aspiring for your freedoms!

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    1. I don't think you give yourself enough credit. I'm sure those SEO articles are fascinating and hard to pull away from. :D Captivating even. If only they knew you were writing them in your victoria's secret. ;)

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  5. Loved your advice Terrye!!! Having just entered the blogging world in January (after some prodding by friends), I can say that it was a tad overwhelming... Thanks to those same friends...that not only pushed me into the deep end AND tossed me the anchor, I was able to get some followers early on. That makes it all worthwhile!

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    1. Welcome to the land of madness, Joseph! I'm glad you took the plunge - or got shoved off the dock. :D I'll stop by and pimp your blog with all the love I can spew on it. ;)

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    2. Well Thank you Terrye! I look forward to seeing you there!!! :-)

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  6. Sound advice from the wise duo of the blogging world. The voices of you and Mike complement each other beautifully; perhaps you both could present a regular piece to share your wisdom? I'm sure I (and many others) could learn a lot.

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    1. That could be good, or it could be the beginning of the end of the world. Depending on your point of view. :D And MJ couldn't focus long enough to do a series...he's always sniffing my hair and trying to look down my shirt. ;)

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  7. Okay, fine. I'll DO THIS. I do write about suburbia, but I'll have you know in MY little area of boring-ass suburbia, I recently thought I had murdered my neighbor and THIS WEEK? I recently harbored a fugitive in my backyard shed. Though only briefly.
    One thing I will NEVER do is crank out a daily Top 10 Reasons Toddlers are Like Drunk People. Mom bloggers, stop doing this list. WE FUCKING GET IT ALREADY.
    Well done Terrye and MJ.

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    1. See?! This is why I adore you and you will never, EVER be one of "those" kinds of bloggers. You are witty, brilliant and fun at an all night kegger & sheep dip party. And I have a feeling that your corner of suburbia makes the streets of downtown Miami look like downtown BFE, Nebraska.

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  8. That's it! I'm starting a mommy blog about pooping in the boring suburbs! It won't be fake at all!

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    1. Don't forget to get a minivan and complain about the neighbors to be more 'authentic.' Now, what are you going to name your mommy blog? :D

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  9. First, kudos to Terrye & MJM for an interesting topic and discussion. I think bloggers are viewed as the red-headed stepchild because there is practically no barrier to entry - any nincompoop with an internet connection (myself included) can post whatever they want regardless of concerns for quality or originality. This is OK, the freedom of expression is kinda the whole point, but it leads to the accurate perception that the title "blogger" means little more than "someone who spends a lot of time online." The same stigma can be attached to self-published authors - there is an attitude that a self-published book is a lesser creation than a book that has made it through the traditional ringer of the publishing world. In both cases the perceptions could be true, but with blogging and self-publishing, don't discard the work based solely on the platform.

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    1. You summed it up nicely, my friend! But with writers like you and your extremely funny book, you are proof positive that an indie author and a blogger can have both talent and excellent use of the English language. I just wish there were more of you out there. :D

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  10. There used to be a blog that reviewed other blogs. I forget the name or the url but I remember it being totally brutal, but backed up with examples of why some of these other blogs were bad. They used to pick on the Mommy Blogs the worst.

    I would actually like to see a blog that reviews other blogs...

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    1. If I was certain I wouldn't be crucified and burned at the stake for my honest opinion, I'd jump all over that. I have enough bloggers hating my guts just for me being me! :D

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  11. "No one has ever died in a horrible blogging accident."

    Actually, this is a common misconception in the blogging world, Terrye. I know because I actually died in a horrible blogging accident once.

    It was horrible.

    But everything else in your post is spot on! =)

    I think that one problem with the whole voice thing -- which to me seems to be the flip side of being real -- is that a lot of people mimic other bloggers unknowingly. Or maybe they aren't even mimicking.

    I mean, maybe there just happen to be a lot of mommies out there who love to cuss and use the word, "snarky" every day and who consistently make fun of other people's toddlers while sipping wine at their 9-year-olds' soccer games.

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    1. Chris, my friend! Oh how spot on you are! LOL And I'm so sorry to hear about your demise. I hope it wasnt' TOO painful!

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  12. A little late to the party, here, but funny and awesome and great advice!

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    1. Thank you very much my friend, glad you liked it and for stopping by, you're freaking amazing.

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    2. MJ had me locked up in his basement and the only way he'd let me go is if I wrote a blog post for him. And I'm STILL locked in the basement.

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    3. Shh Terrye stop telling everyone, we wouldn't want the law to come in a ruin our good time.

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