Friday, October 3, 2014

“The Ayes ‘I’s Have It”

Here are some secrets that I never told anyone about myself, have fun reading them but please do me a favor and do not tell anyone else, just keep it between us…okay.


…Sometimes cry myself to sleep, but that's only because I toss and turn a lot during the night, and unfortunately end up getting my boys wrapped up in the sheets.

…Think I'm built like a Greek god, well more like a Greek slob, but who's keeping score.

…Sometimes feel like an addict, a pumpkin spice junkie, if I could I would smoke it like it was crack…it sucks when it is no longer pumpkin season because then I’m stuck smoking yams, and they are nowhere near as good.

…Sometimes gangsta rap in the shower, sure I make as much sense as Mushmouth from Fat Albert and sound like Herman Munster on crack, but my imaginary audience loves it and that’s what keeps me pushing forward.

…Am racist when it comes to my porn, well actually more like jealous, because I can't watch anything with an African American male in it without experiencing a “sizeable” insecurity...but I'm okay with Asian men.

…Sometimes sneak into those big warehouse stores on the weekends and gobble up all the free samples I can, makes me feel like a real rebel…a rebel without a clue, but nevertheless still a rebel.

…Sometimes make-believe that I’m a badass, a real law breaker, but then I start thinking of getting banged in the booty by some big hairy inmate in the joint and I quickly get snapped back into reality.

…Sometimes talk to myself, and yes I also answer myself, because what would be the point if I didn't, otherwise I might as well be talking to a brick wall, or my parents…why didn’t you ever listen to me mommy.

…Still find myself laughing at certain words that aren’t necessarily meant to be dirty, but sound as if they are, for example duty, crack and wet…just to name a few.

…Once tried to see what I would look like as a woman while looking in the mirror, I tucked my junk between my legs and pushed my shoulders forward with my arms crossed in front to deliver the full effect, but I had to stop because I found myself getting turned on and grossed out all at the same time.

…Spend more time picking out my porn for my masturbation sessions than I do my clothes for work for the next day, but it doesn’t really make much sense since I know my body better than O.J. Simpson knows how to turn people into human Pez dispensers, so needless to say the party is over shortly after the first guest arrives.

…Find it rather difficult to order items off the menu in fast-food restaurants without laughing, mainly because the names they give their meals/sandwiches are just so stupid sounding it’s pretty hard not to.

…Sometimes fart in the tub and pretend it’s a Jacuzzi, just so I could see how the other half lives.

…Sometimes pretend to be a racecar driver when I’m in the car, like I’m in one of those Fast and Furious movies, but then I see a cop and the script quickly flips to Driving Miss Daisy.    

Well there you go, now you know more about me then you ever wanted to know, and I don’t know if it’s possible to think any less of me than you already do, but if so have at it and enjoy.