Monday, December 22, 2014

“Dear Santa Claus”

I am writing you to express my disappointment with you and the way you handle your business.

For thirty-eight years now I have been getting the short end of the candy cane, I’ve been treated like an outcast as if I was a toy from The Island of Misfit Toys.

My whole life I tried to be the best me I could possibly be, all with the hopes of ending up on your “nice” list, and avoiding your “naughty” list as if it was a homeless person begging for change.

Here is one example of what I am talking about.

When I was younger I would ask for Transformers, but to my dismay you never delivered, not even one of those crappy mini cars like Cosmos, that transformed into a frigging UFO.

Instead I would end up with something called Morphers, and they wouldn’t even transform into cool things like jets or cars, but rather lame things like chairs and pencils.

You couldn’t even give me GoBots for gosh darn sakes (pardon my language), which was just Transformers on meth.

I won’t even get into the whole G.I. Joe fiasco…G.I. Bob, what were you thinking.

Now I could go on and on about how you wronged me, but since you’re constantly watching me (perv) I’m sure you already know so I won’t bother.

My point isn’t to cry over your past mistakes, but to correct things moving forward so for once in my life when I wake up Christmas morning and I rush to the tree to see what you brought me I won’t be disappointed.

Is that really too much to ask for?

Considering the shape of the world today I’m pretty sure you’re not all that busy dropping off gifts for all the good girls and boys, honestly you could probably even keep your “nice” list on a Post-it note, so don’t even try it.

We also all know that most of the world just needs water and food, so as the saying goes, ”Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime”.

So with that being said, teach them to catch those flies that are constantly buzzing around their heads as if they were Mr. Miyagi and they’ll eat like kings.

As for water, I say to forgo altogether, because it’s highly overrated.

Give them all the Faygo they can drink, send the whole factory there if possible because no one really drinks that crap here anyways, well no one except for those crazy rapping clowns but who really cares about them.

So there you go, that solves that problem and frees up more of your time to spend on me.

If for some reason you still find yourself pressed for time, wear adult diapers like that psychotic female astronaut did when she was playing beat the clock on her way to open a can of whoop ass on some other chick, it obviously helped her.  

Losing a little bit of weight wouldn’t hurt either, replace that bowl full of jelly with a six pack and you’ll be surprised how much easier things will be on you.

And nose like a cherry, come on who are you trying to kid here, do yourself a favor and stay off the junk.

By the way, while I’m thinking about it.

Stop giving me clothes and other nonsense like that, because obviously if I wanted them I would go buy them myself, understood?

Just because I have gray hair and wince in pain when I bend down does not mean I want old people stuff, just keep the toys and video games coming, and I’ll let you know when to stop.

Well there’s where I stand, and I’m really hoping that this letter has opened your eyes and moving forward you will do the right thing by me.

For whatever reason things don’t change, you can expect another strong worded letter from yours truly, and maybe even a reindeer head in your bed when you wake up the day after Christmas.

P.S. No milk and cookies for you until you get your act together you fat bastard, not hating, just saying.

P.S.S. Keep your elves, or as I like to call them Christmas midgets, away from me or I will pounce on them like a rabid dog. Nothing personal, they just freak me out.


Thursday, December 11, 2014


With all the recent events that have unfolded lately spotlighting the issue of racism in our society I thought it only proper that we speak about it, and hopefully with a lot of hard work and dedication we can squash it all together and see past the color of a person’s skin and accept them for who they are on the inside.

Let’s call it like it is, we are all racist in one way or another, at one time or another we have all been guilty of being racist.

Have you ever told a racist joke and/or laughed at one, have you ever used a derogatory term to describe someone of a particular race and/or have you ever felt uncomfortable around a group of people who weren’t the same race as you, if so you’re racist.

Granted because someone tells a joke at another race’s expense doesn’t mean they are going home and lacing up their Doc Martens and hailing Hitler, but nevertheless it is still racism.

We as a whole need to change the way we think.

Racism is not as “black and white” as we are led to believe, there is a lot of gray area that needs to be rectified too, that’s if we ever truly hope to make headway in the battle.

Some people want to make themselves look good by saying all the right things at all the right times but then when safely home behind locked doors (for the lack of better words) letting their true colors show.

Turn on any cable news talk show and watch every last one on the panel being as politically correct as can be; they avoid ruffling and feathers or stepping on toes.

This does not solve anything, all it does it put a band-aid on the problem with the hopes of it sticking long enough until thing simmer down.

Then we have the people who cry racism every chance they get, whether it’s warranted or not, without knowing all the facts and/or looking at the big picture.

These kinds of individuals just know that people of different races are experiencing difficulties and they carelessly and without regard for their actions want to add more fuel to the fire.

Al Sharpton is a perfect example of this, a true trouble maker in every sense of the word; of course he wants things to boil over because it justifies his position as the self-appointed mouth piece for African American people.

This man doesn't care about the people, but rather the color, where is he when a white person is wronged and/or mistreated because of the color of their skin (believe it or not it happens)?

He is nowhere to be found, so in all fairness he himself is a racist, and part of the problem not the solution.

Finally we have the individuals who feel the need to riot and loot because they weren’t satisfied with a particular outcome, completely uncalled for and it does nothing to help the issue at hand.

All you’re doing is hurting other innocent people in the process who had absolutely nothing to do with the outcome, and does that make things better?

If you want to do something, help out the family who you feel was wronged, show them that they are not alone in their time off need and that there are good people out there who are willing to lend a hand to help them rebuild their lives for the better.

Trust me I am 100% certain that most people who just lost a loved one would rather have a shoulder to lean on for support over people vandalizing and destroying everything in sight all supposedly in the name of the deceased.

This type of behavior tarnishes the memory of those who you claim to be fighting for, leaves the masses angry and even more hate filled than before, so all in all it is not the way to go.

Think peace; follow the example of some of the great leaders of our time such as Martin Luther King, Jr. or Mahatma Gandhi, these men were able to get their points across in a nonviolent, but meaningful and powerful way.

They led with peace and love not by an iron fist and fear, the spoke of truth and equality not with a forked tongue...just something to think about.

Being a white man I can’t say that I have ever felt the magnitude of its power firsthand; for the most part I have always been on the outside looking in, however I can clearly see the devastation it is bringing upon our society and our people as a whole and that does not make me happy.

We must all work together to kill this monster, regardless of race, because otherwise things are only going to get worse.