For thirty-eight years now I have been getting the short end of the candy cane, I’ve been treated like an outcast as if I was a toy from The Island of Misfit Toys.
My whole life I tried to be the best me I could possibly be, all with the hopes of ending up on your “nice” list, and avoiding your “naughty” list as if it was a homeless person begging for change.
Here is one example of what I am talking about.
When I was younger I would ask for Transformers, but to my dismay you never delivered, not even one of those crappy mini cars like Cosmos, that transformed into a frigging UFO.
Instead I would end up with something called Morphers, and they wouldn’t even transform into cool things like jets or cars, but rather lame things like chairs and pencils.
You couldn’t even give me GoBots for gosh darn sakes (pardon my language), which was just Transformers on meth.
I won’t even get into the whole G.I. Joe fiasco…G.I. Bob, what were you thinking.
Now I could go on and on about how you wronged me, but since you’re constantly watching me (perv) I’m sure you already know so I won’t bother.
My point isn’t to cry over your past mistakes, but to correct things moving forward so for once in my life when I wake up Christmas morning and I rush to the tree to see what you brought me I won’t be disappointed.
Is that really too much to ask for?
Considering the shape of the world today I’m pretty sure you’re not all that busy dropping off gifts for all the good girls and boys, honestly you could probably even keep your “nice” list on a Post-it note, so don’t even try it.
We also all know that most of the world just needs water and food, so as the saying goes, ”Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime”.
So with that being said, teach them to catch those flies that are constantly buzzing around their heads as if they were Mr. Miyagi and they’ll eat like kings.
Give them all the Faygo they can drink, send the whole factory there if possible because no one really drinks that crap here anyways, well no one except for those crazy rapping clowns but who really cares about them.
So there you go, that solves that problem and frees up more of your time to spend on me.
If for some reason you still find yourself pressed for time, wear adult diapers like that psychotic female astronaut did when she was playing beat the clock on her way to open a can of whoop ass on some other chick, it obviously helped her.
Losing a little bit of weight wouldn’t hurt either, replace that bowl full of jelly with a six pack and you’ll be surprised how much easier things will be on you.
And nose like a cherry, come on who are you trying to kid here, do yourself a favor and stay off the junk.
By the way, while I’m thinking about it.
Stop giving me clothes and other nonsense like that, because obviously if I wanted them I would go buy them myself, understood?
Just because I have gray hair and wince in pain when I bend down does not mean I want old people stuff, just keep the toys and video games coming, and I’ll let you know when to stop.
Well there’s where I stand, and I’m really hoping that this letter has opened your eyes and moving forward you will do the right thing by me.
For whatever reason things don’t change, you can expect another strong worded letter from yours truly, and maybe even a reindeer head in your bed when you wake up the day after Christmas.
P.S. No milk and cookies for you until you get your act together you fat bastard, not hating, just saying.
P.S.S. Keep your elves, or as I like to call them Christmas midgets, away from me or I will pounce on them like a rabid dog. Nothing personal, they just freak me out.