Thursday, March 19, 2015

“Real American Heroes”

You may disagree with the war we are fighting and/or not be a big fan of the Commander-in-Chief, but don't let that taint your feelings towards the amazing men and women who give their all to serve and protect this great country of ours. Their actions warrant our love and support all the time and not just during designated holidays and/or when we as people feel the need to be patriotic, they deserve much better than that. They sacrifice so that we don’t have to, they keep a watchful eye so that we can rest peacefully and they diligently stand guard so that we can be at ease, just imagine what our lives would be like if they weren’t there.

“Forgot to Remember”…

It's easy to forget and to take for granted the many blessings that we have when we're not the ones on the front lines fighting the battle, but we must do our best to not let that happen and to always remember what we have and why we have it. We should salute our soldiers of the armed forces (past, present and future) every day, and thank them from the bottom of ours hearts for the freedoms, the rights and the peace of mind they have bestowed upon us, because without them none of that would be possible. Go out of your way to shake the hand of and/or to give a warm embrace to any person who has fought or is fighting for us and our country, show them that we appreciate it and that we are aware of their unselfish deeds.

“Foxtrot Alpha Mike India Lima Yankee”…

We must also not forget the families who are left behind when their significant other, their child/parent and/or their sibling decides to embark on this journey; they remain here with uncertainties as to what the future holds for them and their loved ones. These individuals proudly give so that we can be safeguarded, so that we can have confidence in knowing that everything will be alright and that the evils in this world would be kept at bay all thanks to the due diligence of their child/parent/sibling. They may lose a little piece of themselves in the process, but at the same time they gain a tremendous amount of respect and pride as a result of the actions and passion demonstrated by their soldiers. When you come across a family who has a loved one in the military, make sure to let them know that you recognize their sacrifice and that the absence of their family member weighs heavily upon us all. 

“The Military Machine”…

There are many components that allow this machine we know to function properly, and if we were to lose any part of it the whole thing would come crumbling down around us, so make sure to support and to show love to the fine men and women in uniform who make this world a safer place for us all. There is no amount of gratitude that we can express that is sufficient for all you have done for us and how we feel towards you as a person. With that said, I do want to thank you for your service, commitment and dedication to us and our country, I truly appreciate it and may God bless you all.

“Got Your 6”…

Keep in mind that some of our soldiers need more than a friendly gesture and/or an American flag flying outside your house. They need jobs, medical attention and/or a roof over their heads. They shouldn’t have to come back to our country, especially after everything they’ve done to keep it “our” country, to have to struggle just to survive. There is absolutely no justification for this and it is completely ridiculous and disgraceful to say the least. They fought for our lives, so the least we could do is fight for theirs. 

“A Personal Message to Our Soldiers”…

I have never served, so I wouldn’t even pretend to understand what it’s like to walk a mile in your boots, but I just wanted to share a personal experience that may be helpful to some of you. I have been down and out. I have been so low that I had to look up to see bottom. I felt like at the time, that the only way to find peace was to end it all. I can’t claim that our journeys took the same path, but I can promise you that you’re not alone and that help is out there. The trail may not be the easiest to travel through, but it is totally worth making the effort. You are worth it, and so are your family and friends. 



Please check out the links below, and if possible contribute to their causes, because you may feel that it doesn’t affect you directly, but trust me it does. They have scratched our backs, so now it’s time we scratch theirs.

(These are only a few charities, there are many more who would benefit greatly from your generosity) 

Thursday, March 12, 2015

“Sunday Bloody Sunday”

I miss football; Sundays just aren’t the same without it.

Yes we have baseball, but truthfully I would rather watch the Cowboys win the Superbowl…who am I kidding, no I wouldn't.

I also know there's church, but it's not like we can sack the pastor and/or pour a bucket of the blood of Christ on him as if it was Gatorade for delivering a good sermon…or could we.

Honestly if we could I would frigging love it, church would kick more ass than a donkey punter and I would be there bright and early every Sunday, front row center.

Unfortunately though we can’t, we have to sit there quietly and completely bored out of our minds, kind of like being a Tampa Bay Bucs fan (sorry, I know low blow).

Now bust out those big foam fingers proclaiming somebody is number one and point them straight up to the heavens, because I’m about to take you to football church!

There are some commonalities the two share, like for example public prayers, Hail Marys and of course a person in a position of authority wearing a black and white uniform screwing someone over.

But what if they incorporated more footballsy things into church; it would really make it a heck (sorry for the harsh language) of a lot more interesting and would totally put more butts in those uncomfortable seats of theirs.

Speaking of their uncomfortable seats; or torture devices as I like to call them, what was the thinking behind that?

Whose bright idea was it to make sitting through a sermon just as much a pain in the rear as it in on the ears; this person must be fired at once or sentenced to a lifetime of being an altar boy at a church that gives out Viagra instead of those little wafers as the body of Christ.

Would a nice relaxing seat really be all that bad, I mean think about it, the reason most people don’t want to go is because the thought of substituting their cozy couch for a hard piece of wood makes their bums scream out in agony like they just sat on a freezing cold toilet seat.

Replace the horrendous benches with something more pleasant for the derriere and you may just see the attendance pick up, just saying.

Okay, enough about the seating arrangements, now back to the game…

Throw out the bible, send them to all the homeless people living out on the streets, and give them something to line their cardboard boxes with during the winter months so that they can keep warm.  

Replace it with sports card style literature, complete with action poses, stats (i.e. how many kills, how many stones thrown, etc.) and a piece of petrified gum.

Just don’t forget to throw in some rare cards to make it more intriguing, like Jesus miracle holograms and/or lost souls card which could include the spirits of people who ended up in purgatory.

Think of all the fun the kids will have trading them. 

Time to get things moving as if we were down by a score in the fourth quarter and we just hit the two-minute warning, so hold on tight because here we go…  

Smoking hot cheerleaders in short skirts shaking their pom-poms behind the priest also wouldn’t hurt, but please just no nuns in cheerleader’s outfits, ugh talk about nightmares.

A time clock would make things a little easier to tolerate too, because time flies during football season like a perfectly thrown spiral, but when in church it moves ever so slowly like a your time in a doctor’s waiting room, so knowing how much longer you had before you could rise up and fly out the door like an angel the better.

We all know that church already has a mascot, Mr. Jesus Christ himself, but he’s going to have to lighten up and stop telling everyone where they’re going when they die, unless of course it’s to the Superbowl!

Each church could have their own team name and colors, because nothing brings people closer together than being able to cheer on their favorite team while rocking out in their sweet gear.

We also must not forget about the holy trash talking, because what good is a competitive environment if we’re not able to tell opposing fans that by rooting for their church they are sinning and will burn in hell, like all those gay people, Democrats and just about anyone else who doesn’t follow our particular religion.

Having commentators give you the play-by-play of the goings on under the steeple would definitely spice up the atmosphere, especially if they shared all those dirty little secrets that are normally kept locked away like all those pesky Da Vinci codes.

Instead of just taking our money and not giving us anything in return, other than a new addition being built on to the priest’s mansion, they could really shake things up by allowing us to bet on the outcome of the service with the winner getting the collection plate proceeds.

Finally, get rid of the choir and have big name acts perform each Sunday, just like in the Superbowl halftime show, imagine going to church and seeing a Janet Jackson “wardrobe malfunction”…mmm chocolate nipple.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Football. A-Touchdown! 


Thursday, March 5, 2015

“Facebook: Like it or Lump it”

In addition to the "thumbs up" button, they should really have a "thumbs down" and a "middle finger" button, that way you could truly voice how you feel about some of the nonsense people post there.

I feel like the “Facebook man” is keeping us down, telling us to either like it or lump it.

They want to portray this happy-go-lucky atmosphere, make outsiders think that all their users are shiny happy people without a care in the world, a bunch of Grateful Dead groupies if you will.

It’s almost as if they believe we all have a permanent smile plastered across our faces like the Joker in The Dark Knight.

“Wanna know how I got these scars? Facebook was a drinker and a fiend. And one night he goes off crazier than usual. Mommy gets the kitchen knife to defend herself. He doesn't like that. Not. One. Bit. So - me watching - he takes the knife to her, laughing while he does it! Turns to me, and he says, "Why so serious, son?" Comes at me with the knife... "Why so serious?" He sticks the blade in my mouth... "Let's put a smile on that face!" And...why so serious?”

See how mean Facebook is?

However we all know the truth, we are a bunch of cynical and miserable bitches and bastards who look at the glass as half full, and we’re damn proud of it.

We are a group of cumquats who are too hip for MySpace, but not quite hip enough for Twitter, so we find ourselves chilling out on Facebook like an ice cube in a tall refreshing glass of lemonade.

We don’t go with the grain and we don’t go against it, we just sit there like a bump on a log doing absolutely nothing, letting real life pass us by while we happily scroll through page after page of people’s useless thoughts, opinions and random crap that happened to them throughout the day.

Facebook is our life blood; it’s what keeps us ticking and what keeps as alive!
The problem is that the almighty Facebook gods don’t let us be ourselves; they keep us from genuinely expressing ourselves as if we were Madonna in the late 80s.

Now with that said, I suggest we start a campaign to show them how serious we are about wanting these additions!

We could really clean things if this comes to fruition.

Think about it, people would think twice before they just haphazardly clicked post after writing some ridiculous rambling.

If you want to fight the power, and rage against the machine, then click here and support the cause!

Now this is a cause we should really be sharing with every single person we know on Facebook, and not those stupid games, quizzes and/or causes for cures and stuff…just saying.