Wednesday, April 22, 2015

“Give You Head”

No this isn’t one of those porno pieces, sorry to burst your bubble, so zip up your pants and put away the lotion.

You’re getting head here that is for sure, but unfortunately it’s not the kind of head you were hoping for, it’s the kind that includes a brain…you know that thinking thingy that a few of us use.  

This is a collection of random thoughts that were lurking in my noggin like a stalker in the bushes outside of your window.

There’s no rhyme or reason to any of it, just various bits of information that may, or may not, be useful to you.

Some of these things make my head insides hurt and peeve me beyond belief, make me question exactly what is going on here, and since it’s the internet and I, like many others of course, have a blog I figured I would share my thoughts with all you fine people here in cyberspace…so enjoy.

Okay here goes…

Number I:

If an athlete breaks the law, regardless of what sport they play and/or how talented they are, they should be punished just like any average Joe would be, no exceptions.

These people are paid to do what they love, it’s not like they are doing it out of the kindness of their hearts for the benefit of the fans, and so they shouldn’t be allotted any special privileges as a result of it and/or be considered above the law because of it.

If I’m working at McDonalds, and I decide to haul off and slam Birdie in the face with my fist all over some cold fries, I can pretty much guarantee that I would be escorted out in handcuffs and vacating the head fry cook position immediately, especially if the whole thing was caught on candid camera.

They are paid to represent a city, to represent a team and most importantly to represent the fans, so if they don’t act accordingly they should be allowed to play the game, no three strikes here, more like one and you’re done.

Call me old fashioned, but in my day if someone wanted a raise they earned it, not just held up a sign demanding it.

Money for nothing, and your chicken McNuggets for free!

Number II:

I personally think this Kendall Jones character (if you’re not familiar with her work click here), and others like her, need to be hunted just like the animals they hunt.

Am I bullying her, well let's ask all the animals she killed solely for the "sport" of it what they think about it.

I'm sorry, but I think her actions are disgusting and deplorable, as I'm sure some of you will feel my words are, and should not be celebrated to any extent.

It sickens me that these people display the carcasses of their kills as if it was a trophy, like they actually accomplished something praiseworthy.

They pose for pictures with it like if it was one of those comical cutouts you would find at the fair where you stick your face through and snap a picture, what an utter disgrace if you ask me.

I know all you so-called sport hunters out there will tell me this isn’t Looney Tunes, and that the animals you kill aren’t like Bugs Bunny or Daffy Duck, they are just soulless creatures here for our amusement since of course we are the superior species on this planet.

With that said, I must remind you that you’re not Elmer Fudd and you have no right going around shooting anything you want to just because you feel like it, all in the name of sport, if you want to call it that.

Number III:

No offense to Folgers coffee, but wouldn't the best part of waking up, be the fact that you actually woke up and didn't die in your sleep?

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure having Folgers in your cup is a nice perk (pardon the pun) but it definitely isn't the best part of waking up…just saying
All things considered though, if you're going to go, dying in your sleep would be the best way to do so, regardless of if there was Folgers in your cup or not.

However, if we’re being real here, life sucks more than Monica Lewinsky, so maybe just waking up isn’t all that great, so I say screw the coffee and wake up with some hard liquor in your cup followed by a nice Xanax biscotti.

Number IV:

I have some really bad news for you, whether you want to believe it or not, the children of today are not the future as we were lead to believe, but rather they are little sons of bitches with horrible attitudes and evil intentions.

Gone are the days of kids chomping on Flintstone chewable vitamins, wearing Kool-Aid smiles and of course kids saying the darndest things.

We all know that there are a few good apples in the spoiled bunch, but unfortunately they are few and far between, because most are rotten to the core and filled with gross and nasty worms, real bad “seeds” if you ask me.

This horrible brat epidemic could be blamed on the video games they play, the music they listen to or even on the movies/television shows they watch, but realistically we all know it’s our own damn fault, we created these little monsters and now we must pay the piper.  

Number V:

When someone calls you a motherfucker, are they implying that you fuck your mother, or that you fuck a mother, because honestly the latter isn't really all that bad, and if you happen to be a redneck I guess neither is the former.

Just wondering.

Number VI:

Before the person(s) demanding raises for all those fast-food employees does so, maybe they should get all the staff together and let them know that they need to show they deserve it first.

Since all this stuff started about giving raises to these employees, I started paying better attention to the service I received at these said establishments, and lo and behold it was less than stellar…I know, no big surprise there.

If anything it has showed me that they do not feel they have to work for this extra money they are asking for, that just because the cost of living has gone up so should their paycheck, and unfortunately that’s not the way it works.

As long as the employer is paying you at or above minimum wage than all is good, they aren’t breaking any laws and/or operating a sweat shop, sorry to break it to you.

Fast-food employment has always been an entry level position into the workforce as a whole, and not a stopping point, when this changed I’m not really sure but it certainly does puzzle me.

I know jobs are limited nowadays thanks to the economy, and sometimes you have to take whatever is available, but a fast-food clerk should not be a career, but rather a stepping stone onto bigger and better things.

Your resume should only start with that job, not end with it, well that is unless you are hoping to move up through the ranks within the company, then by all means go on with your badself.

For the record, I’m not saying that these employees don’t deserve a raise of some kind, but you must remember that with more money comes more responsibility, this is how it is across the board so just be prepared.

Number VII:

Idolizing a musician (or any other celebrity for that matter), who passed on by their own hands or by any other means, solely because you enjoyed their body of work is completely ridiculous.

I’m not hating, I’m just saying.

If you want to look up to someone who is no longer with us, who deserves it, then try someone like Martin Luther King Jr, Mother Teresa and/or Gandhi, just to name a few.

Now there’s absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying and/or even admiring an individual’s body of work, but you shouldn’t allow those feelings to transform into blind worship.

Being unaware of who that person really was behind closed doors, is more important than their work when it comes to looking up to them and/or emulating the character they portrayed in the public eye.

Number VIII:

Hard truth, I hope you really like shopping at Walmart, because if you don't support small businesses you'll have no choice but to.

Support small businesses, because once they're gone, we are at the mercy of big business, and that's not a good thing by any means.

Don't let small businesses become extinct, fight to keep them alive, they are the cornerstone of this great country of ours!

Go out of your way to shop small businesses, it will pay off in the long run...literally.

Shop small, with big results, support your local small businesses.

As I’m sure you can tell I’m pro small business.

The End…

Well there you go my friends, just some of the golden nuggets that I have stored in the penthouse of my body.

Take from them what you will, and feel free to rip me a new one if you so feel fit to, I’m totally okay with that.

Thanks for reading.


Wednesday, April 8, 2015

“Dirty Rats Using Garbage Suck”

I can’t stand drug addicts, and this includes alcoholics, because I personally think they are wasting the most precious gift that any of us could ever ask for, which of course is life.

There are so many people fighting to survive, battling some unforgiving circumstance that is beyond their control, while these people on the other hand do everything in their power to keep themselves in a comatose state, basically wasting what others are fighting so hard to keep and it makes me sick.

Now of course this doesn’t include all addicts, only those who openly and consciously choose to get high/ inebriated on a regular basis and do everything possible to stay that way, regardless of who they hurt in the process.

Before I have everyone jumping all over me and crying foul, let me explain why I feel the way I do.

Believe it or not, all addicts aren’t people who come from a dysfunctional upbringing, people who have a tortured soul and/or who are trying to mask some sort of terrible/unbearable pain.

There are some who do drugs just because they enjoy the effects internally, and disregard the effects externally to their bodies and to their loved ones, and those are the people I’m referring to in this piece.

I grew up with many people like this, and I witnessed firsthand just about any kind of addict you can possibly think of, all the destruction and chaos they caused, and the whole time never stopping long enough to inquire how their families/friends were holding up during the whole ordeal.

From the hard stuff like heroine and cocaine, to the prescribed stuff like painkillers and pills that are supposed to take all your worries away and make you feel as if you were floating on cloud nine.

And let’s not forget about those who let the alcohol flow, regardless of the brand and/or how it was obtained, like Niagara Falls.

Needless to say it wasn’t a pretty picture, not by any means, and not a lifestyle I would choose to entertain for me and my own, it was dark and dismal and actually very sad to say the least.

We are taught they have a disease; however it is us who have the disease.

They have to be the ones who are ill, because there are doctors/scientists who have told us so, "and we's two stewpid two think for ourselves ah duh", so it has to be true.

We make excuses for their behavior and allow them to feel as if they are the victims in all this, like they just have a very dangerous hobby and all our cares and concerns are only getting in the way of their good time.

I know when it comes to loved ones it’s easier to believe that, to think they wouldn’t purposely treat their bodies like a garbage truck and us like hindrance and/or pawns unless there was obviously something wrong with them, a sickness if you will.

I’ve been there, seen it for myself, and even at times made excuses and allowances for them as a result, so I know this to be the reality.

It wasn’t until I grew wiser that I was able to see the forest through the trees, I was able to see what was truly going on right in front of my eyes and all the dirty little secrets that we as a society brush under the rug to help us feel better about ourselves.

Now of course some of these people eventually wake up and attempt to change their lives for the better, to kick the habit and regain complete control of over their bodies, and that I’m all for and will be their biggest cheerleader. 

But it is something they must do on their own, we cannot force them to do it nor will any amount of begging and pleading make it happen if they are not truly willing themselves.

The bottom line is this, we must stop being enablers to these people and making excuses for their actions, because the only way they will get better, if that is even a possibility, is if we show them tough love and make it apparent to them that we will not just sit back and let them interfere with our happiness and well-being.

If they so choose to destroy themselves and waste the life they have been blessed with, then let them do so alone, that way there won’t be any collateral damage or innocent casualties.

This may sound harsh, but it’s the only way, we must toughen up and stop being just another insignificant piece in the game they are playing.


Thursday, April 2, 2015

“Shopping Snafus”

I'm not your typical man, I don't mind going to the store and buying things like feminine hygiene products as most do, because I know there’s no way that the other store goers could possibly mistake them as mine, but then again in today’s day and age you never really know.

My problem is when buying items and/or a combination of items that I feel shouldn’t be sold in stores where you’re not allowed to come in with a mask on, that make me feel awkward, and even in some cases a little odd.

Would it kill them to offer you some kind of covering for you face when you walk in, like maybe something in a paper or plastic?

For example, I can’t bring myself to buy Spic and Span, and not because I don’t think it’s a great cleaning agent, but rather because I don't want people to think I'm racist…is that wrong?

I have a hard time (no pun intended) buying petroleum jelly, I just don’t want people thinking I’m going to bop my bologna when I get home, sure we all know that’s exactly what I’m going to do, but I just don’t want them thinking it.

I won’t buy any sinus headache medicine or Chore Boys in the store either, because I’m too afraid of people thinking I’m a druggie and calling the DEA, I don’t want the bad boys coming for me.

I don’t buy any cream and/or powder where its main purpose is to relieve an itch, a fungus and/or a rash, that’s just not happening for obvious reasons.

Also no hemorrhoid creams or lice shampoos, I mean come on do I really need to explain this one?

Thank God for the internet and free porn, because if I had to rely on getting my rocks of from magazines I had to buy at the store, let’s just say that unfortunately there would be many un-wet dreams to be had for this perv.

I can’t buy shoes (size 13 baby) and condoms at the same time either, separately they are fine, but together I feel like it kills they only positive stereotype I have going for me…let’s just say there are no Magnums in my grocery cart if you catch my drift.

I have a rough time buying gerbils at the pet store, mainly because I can sometimes be confused for a gay man, and well you know that whole Richard Gere rumor…no thank you.

Buying medication for diarrhea and gas, something else I’m not too comfortable with, I mean do I really want strangers knowing what happening back there, it’s bad enough they already think I have gerbils wrestling my rectum.

Do I think too much into things, sure I do, but I can’t help it, it’s just how I am?

Maybe I should get myself one of those personal shoppers, the people who love to shop for others and don’t care what’s on the list as long at the pay is right.